HUMOR
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THE ULTIMATE JOHN KERRY AD
AUDIO
No matter what side you're on, John Kerry is on your side!
Gee, do you really think doing this photo op will help me appear more presidential?
More political humor below and on
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ELECTIONS
at our sister site,
www.votefraud.org
Yeah, but what's with that glove?
Okay, say what you will about the King of Pop, but there's one thing about Michael Jackson that you must admit…
John Paul II brings back the Inquisition
(Okay, so Law resigned (and resurfaced in Rome,
with a cushy new position), but you can substitute
Cardinal Mahony, Hans Küng,
or the clerical malefactor of your choice, and it's still funny…and
painfully true.
You might be a liberal, if…
1. You
believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is
somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a
threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese Communists.
4. You believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5. You believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical,
documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by liberal yuppies
driving SUV's.
6. You believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is
natural.
7. You're against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion-on-demand.
8. You believe that businesses create oppression and governments create
prosperity.
9. You believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've
never been outside of Seattle do.
10. You believe that self-esteem is more important that actually doing something
to earn it.
11. You believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution.
13. You believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to
American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.
15. You believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and
set-asides aren't.
16. You believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been
tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and
sex-offender belongs
in the White House.
19. You believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and
bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas
should be illegal.
20. You believe that illegal Democratic funding by the Chinese Communists is
somehow in the best interest of the United States.
Colin Powell's "even-handed approach" to Middle East diplomacy
Anxiety relief
Do you ever question whether Americans really need to sacrifice more liberties in pursuit of security? Do you think invading Iraq maybe wasn't such a good idea? Are you perplexed that Saddam Hussein's Weapons of Mass Destruction still haven't been found?
Well, worry no more! Now you can banish these and and a hundred other nagging questions about 9/11 and the War on Terrorism from your mind once and for all with…
Give a man a fish
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day.
Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment,
stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the
"hottest" fishing spot, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can
outsmart a fish. (Average cost per fish: $395.68)
Breaking news from the Middle East
The Accident
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his
friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a
football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another
one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
Oh, yeah, that guy!!!
The Commander in Chief looks out for our nation's interests
It is vital that the President be a man of great vision.
Making the computer user-friendly for the Jeff Foxworthy crowd.
The long sermon
A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"
On the pitfalls of English as a second language
A doggone hard time finding WMDs
Prescription for losing weight
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."
Coming soon to a Gulf Theater of Operations near you
The Bible tells me so?
(Kids explain Scripture:
"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.")Geography Lesson
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
—A. Whitney Brown
Top Ten Excuses Bush gives for not finding weapons of mass destruction
10. "We've only looked through 99% of the country"
9. "We spent entire budget making those playing cards"
8. "Containers are labeled in some crazy language"
7. "They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-Men mutants"
6. "Did I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats"
5. "How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction when we can't even find Cheney?"
4. "Still messed up because of Daylight Savings Time"
3. "When you're trying to find something, it's always in the last place you look, am I right, people?"
2. "Let's face it -- I ain't exactly a genius"
1. "Geraldo took them"
(Source: Top Ten List for 5-6-03, The Late Show with David Letterman)
From our "Stupid but True" Department
Police in
Military Secrets
Advice for the day
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
Rose are Red
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I